I went through the fucking wringer, so I feel leery of it all.
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I felt so hated at home, I thought, “What do I have to do to be loved?” As a kid, I was the funny guy, the storyteller. I talk to my dad, but keep him at an arm’s distance… Parents should be aware that if they’re hurting their kids, they’re hurting themselves.Īs an adult, finding my artistic voice helped. Right before she died, she sent me a card saying, “I made a lot of mistakes.” I feel so bad for her. My mom died sadly this year, and with a lot of guilt I think. One of the cathartic things was my sister raising a gender-fluid son, which she wrote a book about, Raising My Rainbow. We spent a good 10 years with little or no communication. Yes, my mother and father were both devastated when I came out. I remember playing every organized sport and just miserably, constantly failing. I think a lot of young gay boys end up searching for who they are not. All I could think was, “Do I look like a guy?” At the same time I wanted to put on shows and wear costumes. I couldn’t be too close to my mom, because of “tugging at her apron strings.” I was growing up as not what they thought a boy should be like. I felt like at every turn, “There’s this thing about me that they hate.” It really touched all aspects of my life.
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I would ask myself, “Am I doing this like a man?” Even as an adult guy now, I’m not an incredibly flamboyant person-but I felt so squashed then. I remember getting hit because I folded towels “like a girl.” I was washing dishes one day, but I wasn’t washing dishes “like a man,” and dad stabbed me with a fork. I was constantly trying to find approval because I felt so repulsive as a person. I came out at 19, and it took so much time to shake off the self-loathing, shame, and guilt that I was raised in. You’re going to be OK.” There was nothing like that when I was a kid. That’s why it was so important to do this video: I wanted to tell gay kids, “You’re fine. It was almost like, being gay, I was walking around with this cancerous tumor I couldn’t shake. At our church it was a big topic, with talk of “sexual deviants.” Honestly I was terrified. At the time AIDS was starting to become a headline.
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He was definitely one of my best friends and a sweet guy. I would love to say this boy and I ran off into the sunset together, but the reality was that I thought life would be over if anyone ever found out about my relationship, or what I perceived as a relationship. My dad viewed my masculinity, or lack thereof, in a very negative way. I don’t think he’s even out of the closet now. Our relationship was more pubescent and secretive. I did fall in love with the son of a fairly famous preacher in the area-but we did not have the big huge moment the boys have in the video. My dad ran the sports ministry and prison ministry: He was a tough dude. Michael Serrato: Yes, I grew up within an evangelical church in Long Beach, Southern California.
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